"broken"

broken

from the pieces

fallen from the sky

shattered

like the glass

in my eye

the puzzle fits together

through the one who carries me

no longer must i suffer

forever, i'm set free

i cannot go another step of this life

without Your strength

to carry me

i cannot breathe another air of this hope

unless i surrender

to my knees

hurting

like the pieces

fallen from the sky

i feel so alone

how will i get by

the puzzle fits together

through the one who carries me

no longer must i suffer

forever, i'm set free

i cannot go another step of this life

without Your strength

to carry me

i cannot breathe another air of this hope

unless i surrender

to my knees

the pocket change

Okay. So every Monday in my Western Civilization class, my professor says a prayer with us and always talks about how much longer are we going to give 'pocket change' to God?  It sounds a little corny and cliche in a way...but this idea has been on my heart.

So often I say

"I'm giving this or that to God"

am I really?

truly?

   with all of ME?

I think sometimes I think.  "Okay, I died to myself this morning-that's it for the day."  But that is not true at all.  We talk about daily surrender, but I think it is moment by moment surrender.  I have to constantly pray for the Lord to consume all of me.

And when things aren't getting solved, it is not on God at all.  I can't blame Him.  He knows what He's doing.  I think I'm just examining myself right now, and recognizing the sin and the pain and struggles in my life all because I can't completely give up myself.

"So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned

In awe, of the One who gave it all

I'll stand my soul, Lord, to You surrendered

All I am is YOURS" 

roller coaster

Do you ever feel like you're on the roller coaster of life?

I do.

I feel like one day I'll be up and having a great day, and the next will be just so stressful and filled with worry and struggles.  And that's when I'm not myself.

How do I get out of those valleys?  I know that it's Satan's way of deceiving me and inching his way into destruction.  I will NOT let him take hold, but still, it's hard!

I know that Christ is the only way I can be given that joy and strength, but it's not always there for me.  It's always there, but it's a matter of me making a conscious effort for that joy from Him.  I need to be in prayer more.  I need to start my day off with Him...something I've strayed a bit from.

As much as a I say that the joy of the Lord is my strength, is it really?!  With every moment?  It's so much easier to say things then actually BE that and carry that out.

So today:  if I start to complain, if I start to worry, if I start to just be down-I'm going to stop. Pray. and TRULY allow Christ to consume my thoughts and nothing else.

Now I know everything won't be perfect, the struggles and weaknesses are what make me stronger.  But I am making a conscious effort to be all He has me to be!

jumping for joy!

who knew jumping on a trampoline could be SO fun!

yes.  that's what I did this past weekend.  me and some friends drove a long way to chesterfield, MO.  It was supposed to take 1 1/2 hours, but it took 2 1/2...we got a little lost.  no worries!  just a minor roadblock :)

so we got to SKYZONE and jumped for an hour and a half. 

so tiring...but such a blast!

Here are some pictures!  don't you just want to jump along?!

this is more of a fun post.  But while jumping on the trampoline for a really long time, I really had no worries.  I was just jumping and having so so much fun!

in a way it was an opportunity for me to be like a kid again and just jump and be carefree in a way. 

i did a back and front flip! wooo.

i want to be like i was on sat night while jumping on that trampoline.  i want to jump for joy ALL the time.  i want that bubble and that smile to always be present.

i don't need a trampoline for that.  i have Christ and that's all i/we need.

The joy of the Lord is my STRENGTH!

He is faithful!

So tonight I led worship at VESPERS (which is our contemporary chapel service here at Greenville).  I'll admit it, I was nervous.  Why?  I don't even know.  Well I think because I wanted it to go a certain way, I wanted God to move, I wanted the songs to be ones that my fellow peers could give all of themselves.  But man, right before we started tonight God really hit me upside the head.

I texted one of my good friends and told him that I was really nervous.  And he texted me back saying: "Kelly.  you're fine!  You're not doing it for everyone or for you or for me, but for God who only cares if you offer your whole self and not how you perform."

--Thanks God!

This was a simple but important reminder that I can't make God move, I can't make anything go a certain way...it is all God!  It's not me at all.

And let me tell you - God moved tonight!  We did something we've never done at Vespers before.  First off it was an all worship night.  In the middle we all prayed.  But it was a community prayer-everyone split up into small groups around them and lifted each other up in prayer.  It was so great just to come together and pray for each other.  That was followed by some reflective prayer.  People were on their knees, crying, and just surrendering to God.

God is good.  

And even in the midst of my struggles, fears, and roller coaster life, He is still moving and working through me and in the lives of those around me.

beauty

I love the sky.

and Everything about it.

The clouds, especially can look sweet!

Here are some pictures that I took this summer while working at Pine Cove Christian camp in Tyler, Texas.

I look at these and am just in awe of the beauty that God has created not just in the sky, but all around us as well.

My brother wrote a book/story/something, I don't really know what to label it as...but I'm in the process of reading it and the last thing I read was about how everything is beautiful.

"How can you choose half of existence to enjoy and half to loathe and fear?  Love it all!  Embrace it all!" - from the brother.

Speaking of his book, it's a bit odd...but there is some good thoughtful stuff in there.  I think it's good for me to read and challenge what I view and think compared to him.  I'm doing that a lot lately with the classes I'm in (Christian thought and Philosophy) and I really enjoy digging deeper into they why's, how's, etc even if a direct answer may never come about.

Anyways...after my little tangent: bottom line, there is beauty all around =D

we're not alone

Why do I sometimes feel like I'm all alone?

I want to share what I'm feeling.  But I can't.

Why is this?

I think we're all afraid.  Afraid of what other people will say, what they will think, and how they will judge.

I notice a lot of things.  I love people watching and observing.  Something I've observed lately is a lot with human nature and how often we judge.  Girls, especially, are harsh!  We are so quick to look at someone and fit them into a box.  Judgement is mostly degrading and not Christ-like at all.  The sad thing is that Christians do this so much to each other.  EACH OTHER?!  Christ tells us to come together as a community in love.  But how can this happen when we place ourselves above someone else.  Because that is really what we're doing when we judge.  We have this mindset that "good thing I'm not like that" or "good thing I'm not struggling like that" but really we are no better than anyone else.

I'm scared of what others are saying about me or how they view me, yet I sometimes do the same thing to others.  I'm working on it, though.  I want to love others with a Christ love.  

We are not alone.  And we shouldn't feel that way either.

remember that day...

So today marks the 7 year anniversary of September 11, 2001.  Definitely a day that I will never forget.  I remember exactly what I was doing that day and everything I felt...

I was 12 years old and in 7th grade.

I remember walking through the halls of Lake Braddock and hearing talk about the world trade center towers being hit by a plane (honestly, I didn't even know what the twin towers were because I had never been to NYC).

I was then at lunch around 10ish and I remember someone coming up to me and saying that a plane ran into the Pentagon.  My heart flipped, but my immediate reaction was to think that this person was totally kidding with me.  So I asked around and was convinced that a plane did hit the Pentagon.

I didn't know what to do.  I was in total shock.

For those of you who don't know, my dad worked at the Pentagon.

I started freaking out, but I felt completely helpless.  I couldn't do anything but cry.

I frantically searched for my brother and when I found him I just cried.  I was worried sick.

Thankfully, the school got a call from my dad informing us that he was okay...here's his story:

Before the plane hit the Pentagon, my dad was in CVS buying me pencil led (he might even still have the receipt).  All of the sudden he felt the the Pentagon shake as if a bomb went off and people then told him to get out (they did think a bomb hit).  As soon as he ran outside he smelt the aviation fuel and saw the smoke from the attack.

-I have pictures, but they're from the days before digital cameras.  So I don't have them here...actually they may be on the library computer.  I'll check later!

--Yep..here are some pictures!

Obviously my dad is fine, and I thank God for that daily.  I can't tell you how I even felt that day.  But I do know all the events that took place on 9/11 have to do with my love for America (if you know me, you know I pretty much love America).

I don't know what it is, but something about coming together as a country.  I just feel so blessed today to be living here in the USA.

I love our country, I love our military, I love the freedom.

So do you remember what you were doing?  Do you remember where you were?  Never forget that feeling, the feeling of fear and helplessness, the feeling of coming together, never forget those who gave their lives for our freedom, never forget the lives lost on this day 7 years ago.  My prayers are with the friends and families of victims. 

one step ahead

So I'm sitting in my pod, watching Grey's Anatomy...just relaxing after a lonngggg day!  

A day which included going to classes, reading outside, working, bible study, baking a cake, and guitar ensemble.  Yep, I'm in guitar ensemble!  Why?  Well to get better at guitar, of course!  And I've definitely realized that I am going to need to work hard...I know that I'm going to get easily frustrated because the picking is newer to me, but I know that I can do it!  I really have to discipline myself to work work work at it.  It's not going to be easy.  But the reward hopefully will be great! (...me getting better at guitar/writing more music with guitar)

And that's how life is.  It is never easy.  And if it were, we'd never have room to grow and be strengthened.  I really have to take everything moment by moment.  Sometimes I say day by day, but that can even be too overwhelming.  I so badly need to surrender myself in every moment and lean on His strength and not my own.  The joy of the Lord truly is my strength (Neh 6:8).

So anyways.  This guitar process is going to involve discipline for me to actually practice!  I sometimes have this mindset that I'm going to automatically be great, but obviously that hasn't happened.  That's where I need to be more patient...something I lack sometimes.  

Quote for the day:

"God never promised days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He promises to give you strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way!"

finally here

Okay.  

So finally, I'm writing! 

What about...I don't really know, and honestly that's why it has taken me almost a week to write my first post.  I always think about things too much because I want everything to be perfect in a way.  I want my first post to be about this specific thing (even though I don't know what that is) and I want it to show things perfectly.  But then I'm like, Kelly...that's ridiculous because nothing is ever going to be perfect.

I'm a perfectionist, but God is really pushing me, stretching me, and challenging me to LET GO!  And not sort of let go, but completely let go.  It's so easy for me to be like, ok God I completely trust in You, but it's so hard to actually put that into action.  I feel that so often I'm right against the edge of a cliff leaping onto ledges below when I need to take a plunge away from all I find safe and familiar.  By taking that plunge, I can fully place my trust in God.  

I try to do so much on my own

But I can't overcome anything on my own  

I can't

I try

And then I fail

It is NOT about me

So I don't even know if any of this will ever make sense, but it's sort of my jumbled thoughts from my heart.  The biggest thing I'm working on right now is vulnerability.  And through this blog, I sort of am making myself more vulnerable-more so then I have before.  But it's good for me.  Usually to get my feelings out I write music/lyrics, and I still do this, but I'm adding to it by blogging.  

Also, I hope that friends and family can kind of know what's going on with me and how I'm doing!

One last thing:  Why did I choose 'little footprints'?  Well.  I chose the footprints because of that one poem about the footprints in the sand, and how I want to remember that He's always with me.  The little comes in because I'm not anything special at all, it is all the Lord in me.  And there's other stuff too, I think...

I will end at this... (once again I was trying to think of a perfect ending, but I should stop thinking so much sometimes and let my creativity and thoughts just happen!)

hmm....