looking back

Soo.  It's almost the new year.  As I look back on this year I realize how much I've grown, been challenged, and strengthened.  Sometimes I wish that I did things differently, or that things could change.  But one thing I've realized is that God doesn't let things slide.  Every decision and event I've made in the past has been purposeful.  I don't want to regret anything, I want to continue to seek God and His will for my life.

There are going to be some difficult changes and decisions to make in the next few days for me, but I know that God isn't giving me more than I can handle.  He has a plan.  He has a way.  And as long as I'm seeking Him, that's really all I can do.

Now what do I want for this next year?

I've thought about resolutions, but that always seems so cliche sometimes.  I just want to continue to seize each day, and live it to the full potential God has blessed me with.  Whether it be playing the guitar more, writing more music, studying the Word, going out to town, working, whatever it may be!  I want to make the most of life!

so easy to say...so hard to do.

But anyways, I hope you all have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

gingerbread house

soo. last night we had a gingerbread house making party/contest!

I didn't win anything...even though my house is AWESOME!

But it was so much fun!  I love this time of year =D and I LOVE being home!

this is my house

notice the ghetto door/window.

they called it a hooverville.

this was the ultimate winning house that mary and chris made.  

DONE!

YAAAAAAAAY! 

I'm officially done with this semester!!!

Maybe my eye will stop twitching...lol

It's such a relief...this semester has definitely been a tough one in so many ways.  But I know for a fact that God has used this semester to continue to strengthen me in Him.  He has me where I am right now for a reason.  I may not know what lies ahead, but I can rest in the fact that He knows.

I won't be home until Thursday, but maybe I can use these next few days to rest, reflect, and just dwell on Him.

I just gotta remember, God has a purpose for everything.  No matter what has happened or what is to come, God's got it under control :)

tis the season

So it's been a while.  But I've just been caught up in the hustle and bustle of finals and blaaah! 

It doesn't even feel like Christmas to me yet, which saddens me because I LOVE this time of year!  I love the lights, the music, the cheer =D  But when I think about it, I don't want my focus to be too much on the tangible things of the earth.  Just because it's Christmas, shouldn't be why I'm joyful.  I should always have the joy of Christ in me, you know!  

I have so many things to do the next few days...but I don't want to worry or get anxious because of all those things.  Christ calls us to not worry about tomorrow and receive the peace that he has placed in our hearts.  

My eye has been twitching since Sunday.  And I think it's because I'm stressed/tired (random, I know), so instead of freaking out about everything.  I'm going to take it one step at a time.  Focus on my peace and joy in Him.  That is what truly will give me a calm and a satisfaction.

Anyways, next time you start to get anxious or overwhelmed.  Just pray!  He will give you a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Now on to my to-do list...

used books

so I discovered this used bookstore a few blocks from campus and there are TONS of books!

with that being said.

if you have any book wishes, let me know!

there are some classics too :)

backkk

a tease.  that's how i feel my thanksgiving break was!  It was too short!  and i certainly wasn't ready to come back to school.

but here i am...sitting. in good ol' greenville, illinois - aka the middle of nowhere!

i had such a great time at home.  i love my family, i love my friends, and i just love the comfort there.

but God has called me here for a reason and i know that!

i've got 2 1/2 more weeks left of the semester (crazy!) and then a nice relaxing winter break.  i know i say i don't like looking toward something and living for the moment, and i don't...but i just feel like thats the way i live so often.  i need to really just focus on the moment by moment and the here and now and what God is saying to me now!

OH!  one more thing:  my devo today was on worship.  but not just worship in music but in all that we do.  being a walking worshipper.  i want to be a light for Christ in all that i do and bring Him the ultimate glory.  i challenge you to be a WALKING WORSHIPPER

P.S - Christmas music can officially be played now!!! =D

thanksgiving!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! 

What are you thankful for?!

Here's just a few of mine:

*my wonderful family!

*humor

*music

*forgiveness

*struggles

*triumph

*EVERYTHING!

And I'm SO thankful that I'm home =D  It's so great being around my family and with some of my closest friends.  God is good!

I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with quality time with those you love!

take it slow

There's so much going on in life.

In all our lives.  and it can get pretty hectic and crazy.

I know I worry too much about what will come next.  What about the future?  What about next week?

Sometimes I just need to sit and let Christ's peace rule me.  And not my own stress.  I let so many things in this world rule over me when I really should let Christ completely consume me.  He is stronger than any sin and struggle going on.

Sometimes we just need to sit and be still.  His peace, His love, His grace, His mercy will fulfill any and all my needs.

Colossians 3 is some great stuff!  Read it =D

habits

Do you find yourself getting into habits easily?

How you eat, how you wake up, what you watch, when you do certain things, the number of times you do things, how you spend your time, what you even say?!

Some things I've noticed in myself:

When someone asks how I am, I always say I'm good.  Even if I'm not.

When I wake up in the morning I turn on my computer.

I check my phone often for messages or calls.

I like to do things in odd numbers (like eat 1 or 3 cookies, not 2...weird I know)

Checking my e-mail (and facebook, but not right now!)

Even how I fall asleep-like the way I lay down!

Watching TV at a certain time

While some habits may be good, I feel like it can really consume us too much.  We become too focused on doing things a certain way.  What happens when it doesn't go that way?  I want to focus my energy on the good habits.  Like waking up in prayer, and doing my devotions.

I think what is more important, however, is how we respond when these habits are broken, or when things don't go the way we're used to during the day.  I am consciously making an effort to do things differently, to kind of mix it up a little.  

I feel like I've given up one of my habits - facebook, but I've replaced it with other habits.  Some good, like doing my devotions - but I still find myself consuming my time on my computer or the TV when I could be doing other things.

I really want to make the most out of every day.

Do I, though?

Instead of just sitting back and letting life go by, i want to be actively involved in life and how Christ is to be glorified.

What are your thoughts?

stand alive

Do you sometimes feel like you're at a standstill?

Like you're caught in the middle of everything.

You're here, but you're not...if that makes sense.

Sometimes I feel that I'm physically here but my mind just wanders when I'm hanging out with people.  I don't know...

Do I analyze things too much?

I think that I do.

But how do you change that?

And how do you draw that line?

I know that God has designed me specifically the way I am.  I know He has brought me to the point at where I am today for a reason.  But sometimes I wish I could go back to certain moments, or certain ways I acted and viewed life - more like a child like faith I guess.  It's weird, because I want to grow up...but at the same time, the more I do the harder it becomes and the more struggles and problems I tend to encounter.

BUT at the same time, the older I get, the more equipped I am to follow God and His will for me.

I am called to die to myself; to the excuses I make; to the wants I have; to worldly perfection I seek; to the attitude I have sometimes.

I pray that God would be alive in me!

bungee jumping

my dad and brother are bungee jumping right now. as i type this. in new zealand!

crazy, huh?!

gotta love them!

my big brother is a poop

I didn't say it, my sister-in-law did!

haha I love my big brother :)

but seriously.  Matt and Kristyn are moving to Nashville AS WE SPEAK! (or read)--pray for them!  And they're passing through Illinois, and they aren't stopping to see me!  I know I know.  I guilt tripped Matt last night...and it didn't work.  I wish I could see them but I understand they have to get to Nashville at a certain time (booo)  I would've bought them lunch too!  Oh well.

I actually told Matt to come by Greenville and pick me up and take me to Nashville with them.  I'm SO excited for them!  I just think its so exciting to be moving to a new place.  Scary, yes.  But so exciting to get their own place, decorate however, and really get grounded in a new community!  I can't wait :)

but I can't grow up too fast...even though I sometimes wish it

Kristyn and Matt-you better be ready to see your sister, I'm gonna be visiting!

With that being said.

It's rainy and cold today...but it will be a glorious day that God has given us!

I've started a Bible study called "A Call To Die"  where I'm fasting from something for a specific amount of time and replacing that with prayer, devotion, time with God, and music (I added that one).  It's been 2 days so far, but I'm doing this with one of my campers this summer who is like my little sister.  I know this is going to be a great growing time as I deny the things of this world (try to) and really focus on Christ and His work in my life.  It's all about Him!  I'll keep you updated with how I'm doing with the devotional, so far I'm doing good.

I'm starting to write music more too! YAY =D

ALSO-today is Veteran's day.

God bless America and those who have served and are still serving our country!

gas

I took this picture over the weekend on my way to my roommate's house.

This is at some small town in Illinois.

I thought of my fellow Virginians back home.  :)

I bet ya haven't seen it this cheap! (I really have no idea...but here ya go!)

what to doo

So I woke up at 6AM this morning.

Why?

Who knows!

But I don't have a class until 10:30...so what did I do for a few hours?

Well I woke up to find one of my pod mates still awake...she hadn't gone to bed yet!  Crazy, huh?  I then sat, got on my computer, wrote some e-mails, watched some Saved By The Bell, caught up with some people, took a long shower, got ready.  This was all before 9:00.

At 9:15 I went and got my allergy shot and on my way walking there something hit me.  I woke up so early this morning for no reason.  And what did I do?  I did random stuff.  What could I have done?  I could've had some good quality time with my creator.  I did read a devotion, but it wasn't complete silence with me and God.

So when I got back from my shot, I took out my Bible and read.  And prayed.

I want, I need to manage my time better.  God's given me that time, and I ignore it.  So my desire is to really grow in Christ, but I can only do that if I stop wasting my time with other things.  

Here's what I read this morning:

Psalm 61 (look it up!)

and

2 Corinthians 1 (some good stuff there!)

habakkuk

So a good friend of mine recommended to me a podcast from his church up in northern IL.  There are 3 sermons on the book of Habakkuk and I just finished listening to the first one.

I really enjoyed it and it challenged me to really embrace God.

We are to embrace God in everything and all that we do.  And it also challenges to wrestle with God.  Not at Him, but with Him.  Through this I can truly sense His grip in my life.

One thing that I've thought about is that it is OK to question God and it's ok to be upset.  But we still need to embrace God and bring our questions and worries and fears to Him.  Through that we can come to know Him more and grow in relationship with Him.

Habakkuk begins his book by embracing/questioning God, then moves to wrestling with Him, and then ends with praise.

How often to I end with praise?  Not enough.

I'm growing

I'm learning

I'm gripped by the best hand of all

PS-I wrote another song yesterday =D

a little something

My grandma passed away yesterday afternoon.  Though it is hard, I know that she's in a WAY better place (seriously now.) and is suffering no longer.  In fact, she's dancing and singing in the presence of our Savior.  I'm kind of jealous :)

Walking home from work yesterday, I looked up to the night sky and saw the many many stars (yes, here in the midwest-we actually can see the stars!) and knew that my grandma is smiling down on me and everyone else.  That's comforting.

In Habakkuk it talks about the prophet who questions God about why things happen.  And Habakkuk 3 it says that even though things may go wrong and fail, we will still praise the Lord and rejoice in His joy.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and your love.  It means SO much to me!

God is Sovereign

God is Mighty

God is my ALL

love from afar

I just got off the phone with my dad who is with my grandma in the hospital.  She isn't doing well at all.  The past 2 days she hasn't responded hardly at all and she hasn't eaten.  It's so hard not being there next to her and next to my dad and grandpa.  So yesterday after I talked with my dad and found out how serious/bad grandma's condition is, I grabbed my guitar and wrote a song.

This was the first time in a while I've written a complete song in one sitting.  I told dad I wanted to sing it to her.  The song is really for all three of them.  When I talked to grandpa last night about singing it, or having dad play some of my songs he said " know that's what will wake her up".  My grandpa is so sweet toward grandma and loving her while she is sick.

So I woke up really early this morning - I just haven't been able to sleep that well lately, and I decided to call dad and see how everything was.  Nothing new.  He didn't get a chance to play my songs last night, and so I decided to sing/play the song I just wrote.  I played it and grandma responded!!!  I couldn't understand anything but she was speaking.  My dad said it was the liveliest she's been in the past few days.

I wish I could be there right now, but I know that God can still use me from afar.  And I know that God is in control.  Even though this is so hard, He's watching over me and my family.  

Please keep our family in your prayers, especially since we are spread across the country (and then there's my brother in New Zealand).  Our love is given from afar.

"I'm near but I'm far

You can feel my heartbeat next to yours

Just one call away

Through the silence I'll speak to your heart

and it's back to the start"

heart abandoned

it's been a while since I've updated.

and honestly, I can't think of anything to write right now...except for these lyrics to a song that have really become a true cry and prayer of my heart.

So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am IS YOURS

surrender your whole self. not daily, but moment by moment. 

I know God has so much in store, but how often am I in the way?

expectations

I was thinking last night.  And I wonder if I expect too much from people.

*Now before I continue with this, please don't get offended by anything I write.  It is really thoughts just going through my mind that I want to try and sort through.  Nothing against anyone!  And I don't think of myself as above anyone either.*

Where to begin...well I guess with saying that I love reaching out to others; my friends, my family and anyone in need.  I believe strongly in community and lifting each other up in prayer, in being honest with each other (without fear of judgement), and in all around Godly fellowship.  Pine Cove Christian Camps = excellent example of community.  Now before camp, I would find myself helping others, but really struggling to receive that same help.  Through camp, I really learned the importance of helping each other and being vulnerable with each other - it's what God calls us to be and do.

since being back at school, though, things haven't been quite the same.  I'm at the same point where I love reaching out and helping others, but I'm not getting that in return.  But should I really expect it?

Not everyone has the same mindset that I do to reach out and lift each other up, which is okay.  

But I still find myself waiting for someone to just sit alongside me, put their arm around me, and pray.

Last night at Vespers, there was a lot of community and surrender and it was great.  I was sitting toward the back and I saw friend after friend sit around each other, giving hugs and just being there.  I wanted that. (Is it wrong to want that).  I know that God is there for me, but still...

I'm struggling, yes.  Along with everyone else.  But isn't it easier to overcome these struggles together?  I find myself alone at college, especially in my struggle...one in particular.

Should I expect someone to come alongside of me if they don't know what's going on?  But then again, some people do, and they're still not reaching out.  Is that wrong of me?

Now again, I'm not writing this to condemn anyone, or even for people to feel sorry for me.  DONT!  I've got my Heavenly Father with me always :)

I just have been thinking a lot about that, and the expectations I put on people that I don't think I should.

just being real.

just being honest.

Quote

I'm reading C.S Lewis' Mere Christianity for one of my classes and this was the last paragraph to one of the chapters I just read.

"If Christianity was something we were making up, of course we could make it easier.  But it is not.  We cannot compete, in simplicity, with people who are inventing religions.  How could we?  We are dealing with Fact.  Of course anyone can be simple if he has no facts to bother about."

prayer

Prayer is an amazing thing.

Especially prayer for each other.

Do you ever find yourself saying "I'll be praying for you!", and you don't?!  I know I have.  But it's something I'm working on.

God has really pushed on my heart recently the power of community and the power of prayer in that community.  I truly believe that prayer does make a difference!  And honestly, when I ask someone to pray for me, I'd really hope that they would if they said they would!  So that's what I'm doing.  I have a prayer journal and I write down any and all prayer requests so I can be reminded to pray for them all!

--It actually reminds me of little Kailey who has a prayer journal :)  I wish I took her idea sooner!

Then I want to mention not just praying for each other at this time with the prayer journal, but all the time.  Christ tells us to pray without ceasing.  I can pray while I'm walking to class, while I'm doing homework, and I can praise His name always!

So my new found challenge: PRAY!  And really don't just stick with praying for the little things, but really open up your heart and pour it out to God.  He's waiting...and He's always there...something that I still need to remind myself.

the giant bean!

This is the bean.  The giant bean in Chicago!  I was just in Chicago this past weekend on a COR trip where we visited a parish, synagogue, russian orthodox church, mosque, hari krshna, commune, and african american catholic church.  It was a good time to observe other religions, but it was sad at the same time just because these people are great people, but because they don't believe in salvation and a personal relationship with Christ, their efforts in a way are for nothing.  So many people don't recognize the grace that Christ has given us.

Anyways, on our night off in the COLD city of Chicago we visited this giant bean.  I just thought it was awesome!  But it doesn't take much for me to get excited or to love something.  That's the reflection of the city!  How cool!  It's just incredible to view that :)

God is good!